Songs Should Only Be About 5 Things! And I Know What They Are

For years, I’ve been holding onto a theory that, if revealed, risks winning me not only a Nobel Prize, but the hearts of millions. I’m sure you can understand, then, why I’ve kept it to myself. (I don’t have time for a press tour or any more suitors at the moment.)

But genius will eat you alive if you bottle it up. Albert Einstein probably said that, or something similar. So, today, I have decided to bravely come forward and announce that I’m privy to the top five things songs can be about (because I thought of them with my perfect brain).

I break each of them down, with examples, below.

Confident Yearning

Yearning is such an abundant and succulent emotion to express in song that I had to divide it into two categories.

The first, Confident Yearning, asks, “Yo — you’re hot; I’m hot. Why aren’t we already kissing?” You’ll find it on a lot of people’s sex playlists or at the gym when they let the 15-year-old who works the front desk on weeknights pick the music. And it’s horny! God, is it horny.

Check out some of my favourite Confident Yearning songs below.

Insecure Yearning

There is no day without night; there’s no good without bad; and there’s no Confident Yearning Without Insecure Yearning — which, in contrast to its analogue, asks, “Yo — you’re hot; I’m a worthless piece of shit. How could I ever be good enough for you?”

I chose to divide yearning into these two categories because I think each variation speaks to different truths of the human experience, and also because this is my list and I can do whatever I want. If you’ve ever had a crush, you know yearning will eat you alive if you let it — and, if you’ve ever had a crush who didn’t want you back, you know yearning can feel entirely different based on that one external variable.

For that reason, I think it’s necessary to have both a Confident Yearning and an Insecure Yearning playlist. For the complex and multi-faceted girls who have been blessed and cursed with insatiable hunger.

My favourite Insecure Yearning songs are in the playlist below.

Men Heartbroken

As the title would suggest, here’s where you’ll find your run-of-the-mill sadboysᵀᴹ — your Post Malones, your Jack Harlowes, your Mac DeMarcos (rhyme alert).

But crucially, despite what the title would suggest, this category is not limited to men who are heartbroken about a lover who scorned them or vice-versa. Like the university English professor who just gets you (they are gay and you were gay and didn’t know it), I challenge you to broaden your idea of what’s possible. Following the release of Greta Gerwig’s Barbie (2023), it became legal for men to feel all kinds of emotions, and I have the most fun when they write songs about the bad ones. To be Men Heartbroken, a song has to:

1. Exclusively feature a male vocalist

2. Express a negative emotion and/or a pessimistic perspective

(I know what you’re thinking: “If a boy makes an Insecure Yearning song, wouldn’t it also be Men Heartbroken based on the criteria above?” Yes! Like gender, these categories are archetypes; suggestions; jumping-off points. A song can be more than one or none at all.)

Angsty pop punk that makes you wanna punch a hole in your parents’ drywall? Men Heartbroken. Existentialist ballad about the inescapable hurt caused by the passage of time? Men Heartbroken. Wistful acoustic about missing your hometown? You get it.

I just love it when boys feel bad. I mean, they have so much!

Check out some of my favourite Men Heartbroken songs below.

I Hate My Parents

This category is for the Bad Childhood Warriors; if you don’t connect with it, it’s probably because you spent so much time enjoying your healthy family dynamics growing up that you only learned about Phoebe Bridgers when Punisher came out. And there’s nothing wrong with that! In fact, the rest of us envy you.

File under I Hate My Parents any song about childhood trauma. Bonus points if it’s actually about your parents.

The playlist below has my favourite I Hate My Parents songs.

Woman Murderer

Before you call the cops, I don’t condone murder. However, I famously do condone crazy ex-girlfriends and vengeful women.

Woman Murderer is a category for songs that make you kind of understand those reddit dudes who relate intimately to The Joker — but, like, (Tyra Banks voice) make it fashion. It’s for songs about getting revenge, songs about flipping tables, songs about causing harm. For girls.

Are you a woman? Have you been scorned? We all have! Get in the car and let’s listen to a song about slashing our ex-boyfriends’ tires. Because actual murder is wrong. And you can quote me on that.

Listen to my playlist of Woman Murderer songs below.

It feels good to have gotten this off my chest, even if I’m now in grave danger of global acclaim.

Do any of your favourite songs fit into these categories? Did I miss any categories you think should be on this list? Do you think I’m annoying or normal? Am I pretty? Are you mad at me? Are we about to kiss? Let me know!

Or don’t. I’m not the boss of you.